TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
MY NAME IS JACK POTTER.
I'M A PRIVATE DETECTIVE, A P.I., A DICK.
THIS IS MY TOWN, THE CITY OF ANGELS,
THE LAND OF SUNSHINE, THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE,
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S TOUGH KNOWING WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS THE TRUTH.
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
OH, RYAN.
OH, THANK GOD. HOW DID YOU FIND ME?
WELL, FLANAGAN MESSED UP.
THE POSTMARK FROM THE LETTER YOU SUPPOSEDLY SENT
IS FROM A BUSINESS, AND HERE I AM.
OH! OH, I'M SO GLAD.
I THOUGHT I'D BE HERE FOREVER.
SORRY, RYAN.
IT AMAZES ME HOW YOU CAN BE SMART YET SO STUPID,
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
SO, IT WAS YOU.
YOU KILLED MICHAEL.
AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.
HEY!
YOU KNOW, THERE'S THREE THINGS I LEARNED AS A P.I.
NEVER TRUST A DAME,
ALWAYS GET IT ON TAPE
AND ALWAYS BRING BACKUP.
SHE'S ALL YOURS, FELLAS!
BUT-- OOH!
GET THE TRAMP OUT OF HERE!
TOO BAD SHE WAS ROTTEN, HUH, RYAN?
COULD'VE HAD A NICE LIFE TOGETHER.
YEAH...
IT'S TOO BAD.
HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US?
THANK YOU!
I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THE WORLD PREMIERE
OF SHOOTING IN THE DARK,
MY DEBUT AS WRITER, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER AND STAR.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
HOLLYWOOD'S THE LAND OF ILLUSION,
AND FOR A LOT OF THESE BOZOS,
IT'S THE LAND OF DELUSION.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
HE-HEY, FELLAS! JOHNNY, WHAT'S UP?
HEY, FRANKIE. I'LL CATCH YOU GUYS IN A BIT.
HE-HEY! GUYS! LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.
HEY! HEY!
OH, SWEETIE.
IT WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
THANKS A LOT FOR COMING, YOU GUYS.
WELL, ERNIE, ANY OF THE PEOPLE YOU BROUGHT LIKED MY WORK?
I MEAN, COME ON, MAN.
THEY HAD TO BE SOME OF THE BEST STUFF I'VE EVER DONE.
WELL, I KNOW YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, MARTY.
I JUST WANTED TO COME DOWN HERE AND TELL YOU MYSELF.
IT SUCKED.
I MEAN IT REALLY SUCKED.
BUT HEY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP.
DON'T BEAT MYSELF UP?
ERNIE, I SUNK EVERY LAST DIME I HAD INTO THIS THING.
I EVEN SOLD MY CAR, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW, I KNOW. LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO.
HOLD IT!
ERNIE, HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WELL, I'M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO START LOOKING FOR NEW REPRESENTATION.
OKAY?
HOLD IT!
HEY.
ERNIE, LOOK AT ME.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
I'M CASTABLE. I'M EXTREMELY CASTABLE.
I MEAN IT. LET GO OF ME.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
REALLY?
THE FIGHT IS OVER, ALL RIGHT?
OR DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE THIS POOL CUE UP YOUR FLABBY ASS?
OH, NO PROBLEM. I'M GONE.
LOSE MY NUMBER.
OH, SWEETIE, YOUR NOSE.
OH, SIT DOWN.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THAT BEAK.
SEE, YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME FRAGMENTED CARTILAGE
JAMMED UP THAT FRONTAL LOBE.
WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR GRAMP STATUS.
OW!
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I CAN STRAIGHTEN OUT THAT SEPTUM
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR GOOD LOOKS.
OH, HIS LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON IT.
YOU A PIMP?
NO.
I'M AN ACTOR.
HMM.
THIS IS GOING TO HURT?
NO, IT'S JUST A MINOR ADJUSTMENT.
HERE WE GO.
CHRIST!
JESUS, THAT HURT!
WELL, YOU SEE, ALL PAIN IS NOT BAD.
SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW WE LEARN.
SEE YOU AROUND, KID.
OH, SWEETIE. OW!
WHO WAS THAT?
JACK POTTER. HE'S BEEN A REGULAR HERE FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
HE'S A PRIVATE EYE.
NO SHIT?
WHAT, YOU MEAN THE REAL THING?
THE REAL DEAL.
I DEAL IN THE TRUTH.
SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS BAD.
WHEN YOU GET UP AT NIGHT TO TAKE A LEAK
AND CRACK YOUR TOE ON THE EDGE OF THE FRIGGING BED.
JESUS, THAT HURTS.
I KEEP AN OFFICE ON HOLLYWOOD AND VINE,
A SEEDY PART OF TOWN BUT 10 OR 20 YEARS AGO
WAS A SEEDY PART OF TOWN.
THE ONLY THING ANYBODY EVER DISCOVERED HERE
IS THE HOOKER THEY JUST PAID HAS A PENIS.
POTTER, MORRIS AND MANN.
BUT I WAS ABOUT TO BE DISCOVERED BY THE KID.
HIS NAME IS MARTY MACKENZIE,
ANOTHER ACTOR WITH EMPTY POCKETS
AND A HEAD FILLED WITH DREAMS OF STARDOM.
HE WROTE HIS OWN PLAY, A DETECTIVE STORY,
BUT MARTY DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE.
THAT'S WHAT SET INTO MY DOOR.
COME IN!
HOLLYWOOD AND 603 BROADWAY...
SUSPECT IS A WHITE HERMAPHRODITE
DRESSED IN A BLACK HOCKEY JERSEY
WITH MATCHING PLEATED SKIRT, OVER.
UH, HEY. POTTER?
YOU REMEMBER ME, THE BLOODY NOSE FROM LAST NIGHT?
THE NAME IS MR. POTTER OR JACK.
I'M POTTER TO THOSE I'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME
OR WHO CAN WHIP MY ASS. NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
UM, MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.
THAT'S MY JOB, HELPING OUT PEOPLE FOR A PRICE, OF COURSE.
SO, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOUR OLD LADY FUCKING SOMEBODY ELSE?
NO.
I'M DOING RESEARCH FOR MY NEW DETECTIVE PLAY.
TEACH ME HOW A REAL P.I. WORKS, MR. POTTER.
PLEASE, I--
YOU KNOW, I'D MAKE A GREAT DETECTIVE, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I JUST PLAYED ONE IN THIS REALLY COOL PLAY,
AND I TORE IT UP.
I DON'T NEED ANY HELP, SO YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARTNERS?
DO THEY NEED ANY HELP?
I WORK ALONE.
WELL, CAN I AT LEAST FILL OUT AN APPLICATION?
UH, YEAH.
HERE'S AN APPLICATION.
PUT YOUR NAME AND NUMBER DOWN THERE,
AND IF I NEED YOU, I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
YOU WON'T REGRET HIRING ME.
HERE'S MY NAME AND MY NUMBER ON THERE, AND PLEASE.
IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING, GIVE ME A CALL.
SEE YOU AROUND.
YEAH.
OH, THE... YOUR PEN.
MARTY DIDN'T KNOW DICK ABOUT BEING A DICK.
THE CRITICS MURDERED HIS PLAY,
HIS AGENT GAVE HIM THE OLD FIVE-KNUCKLE NOSE JOB,
THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND DUMPED HIM FOR HER GIRLFRIEND.
MARTY WAS ON A ROLL...
EVICTED.
DOWNHILL.
ANYTHING ELSE, SPORT?
UH, A LITTLE WATER?
NO, THANKS.
OH, HERE HE IS. HEY, JACK.
HI, NICK.
MR. POTTER!
LOOK, MR. POTTER...
MR. POTTER, I--
I GOT NOBODY.
I HAVE NO MONEY, NO PLACE TO GO,
NOWHERE.
LOOK, I'LL DO ANYTHING.
I'LL SCRUB YOUR FLOORS, I'LL MOP YOUR CEILINGS,
I'LL CLEAN YOUR TOILET,
I'LL EVEN KISS YOUR ASS, IF YOU PLEASE
JUST LET ME SLEEP ON THAT UGLY GREEN COUCH OF YOURS,
AND I'LL WORK FOR FREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
A DRINK.
THAT TASTES LIKE PEPSI.
IT IS PEPSI.
ULCERS.
SO, I TOSSED THE KID A BREAK.
I GAVE HIM A TW0-WEEK TEST DRIVE TO SEE IF HE COULD CUT IT,
AND DON'T CALL ME SOFTIE. THE VIAGRA FIXED THAT.
SHIT.
JESUS CHRIST.
THIS PEN ALMOST TOOK MY FINGER OFF.
NOT A PEN.
FROM THE GODFATHER. IT COMES IN HANDY
WHEN SOME MUGGER WANTS YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO QUIT PLAYING WITH MY SHIT.
SORRY. I WAS JUST WRITING A NOTE THAT I WAS GOING OUT FOR A BURGER.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU ONE?
NO. I'VE GOT TO GO OVER TO THE NUTHOUSE IN PASADENA,
SERVE A PAPER ON ONE OF THE WOO-WOOS OVER THERE.
I'LL BE GONE FOR AN HOUR OR TWO.
UH, HEY, JACK.
CAN I GO WITH YOU?
WHAT FOR?
YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANY REAL DETECTIVE WORK.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A REAL DETECTIVE.
COME ON, POTTER. LET ME GO.
I SWEAR I WILL NOT GET IN THE WAY.
IT'S MR. POTTER OR JACK.
RIGHT. SORRY.
WELL, CAN I GO?
MARTY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU THIS.
IT'S NOT WORKING OUT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE.
LEAVE? BUT, BUT JACK, I--
I'VE BEEN WORKING REAL HARD. I'VE BEEN MOPPING AND--
YOU'VE BEEN DOING FINE. IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY DESPERATE, BURNT OUT
END-OF-THE-LINE CHARACTER IN TOWN.
I HAVEN'T HAD A CASE FOR WEEKS.
I THINK MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR ME TO BUY THAT BAIT AND TACKLE SHOP
OUT IN THE FLORIDA KEYS AND...
SEMI-RETIRE.
BUT--
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CASES AT ALL?
LISTEN, THERE IS THIS CASE.
THE GUY'S WIFE, A REAL SLUT.
SHE'S SCREWING AROUND WITH SOME LOCAL STUD UP IN THIS
HALF-ASSED LITTLE TOWN UP IN OREGON CALLED BEAVER RIDGE.
HE WANTS ME TO GO UP THERE AND GET THE GOODS ON HER,
SO HE CAN DIVORCE HER CHEATING ASS.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THE CASE
BECAUSE I'M SICK OF DEALING WITH ADULTEROUS SWINE.
BUT JACK--
LET ME DO IT.
OH, YEAH--
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
LOOK, YOU CAN STAY HOME,
PLAY POOL AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU DO.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
SO, TEACH ME. I'M A QUICK LEARNER.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A SURVEILLANCE VAN
THAT WAS TOP OF THE LINE WHEN I BOUGHT IT, AND I LOVE IT.
I CALL IT THE GOOD OLD BOY.
NOW, A DETECTIVE THAT'S UP TO HIS SNUFF,
HE HAS THE PROPER TOOLS, AND HE'S GOT THE PROPER DRESS.
NOW, THESE EARRINGS-- OW!
THAT'S GOT TO COME OUT OF THERE.
I'LL DO IT!
WELL, TAKE IT OUT!
IF YOU'RE PIERCED ANYWHERE ELSE, THAT'S GOT TO GO, TOO.
HEY, BITCHIN' SLIT BACK.
AH. DON'T FOOL WITH MY SHIT.
NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THREE THINGS.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A CAMERA, TAPE RECORDER AND A SHOTGUN MIKE.
WELL, JACK, WHAT ABOUT A GUN?
NO.
FOR PROTECTION?
NO!
HEY, THIS IS COOL.
OKAY LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE! PUT THAT BACK UP THERE.
YEAH, YOU DO NEED SOMETHING.
HERE, MACE.
IN CASE YOU RUN ACROSS
ANY GIANT KILLER BEAVERS IN BEAVER RIDGE.
NOW, WHEN YOU GET UP THERE,
YOU CHECK IN WITH THE LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT,
SO THAT THEY WON'T THINK THAT YOU'RE SOME
OUT OF TOWN DOPE DEALER WHEN THEY CATCH YOU SNOOPING AROUND.
SO, LET'S GET OUT ON THE FIELD
AND ACQUIRE SOME SKILLS.
I TOOK MARTY TO A STAKEOUT
AT A MAKE OUT MOTEL IN MAUI,
DUMPED WITH TEFLON SHEETS AND A TWO-CONDOM MINIMUM.
FIRST THING YOU DO IS, YOU TAKE YOURSELF A PICTURE
OF THE TWO OF THEM GOING INSIDE.
TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM, JUST FOR PRACTICE.
NOW, BEFORE THEY GET INSIDE--
THAT'S ENOUGH. ONE PICTURE IS ENOUGH.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, WE'VE GOT THE TAPE RECORDER GOING.
OKAY.
MAYBE YOU'LL HEAR THEM SAYING EACH OTHER'S NAMES.
THERE, NOW SEE...
OH, YEAH.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY.
IT MAKES ME GO HARD.
LOOKS LIKE THAT'S HER HUSBAND.
SOMEONE BROKE THE CARDINAL RULE.
"YOU MUST NEVER TELL THE CLIENT
WHERE THE STAKEOUT IS GOING TO BE."
CALM DOWN!
COME ON!
GET OUT OF MY FACE! MY WIFE'S IN THERE!
COME ON, HONEY!
THAT'S WHAT TENDS TO HAPPEN.
JESUS.
HEY, THOSE ARE MY TITS! I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE!
YOU STILL WANT TO BE A PRIVATE EYE?
OH, YEAH.
JACK, I'M READY.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY CHERRY CHEVELLE.
WOW.
JUST A MINUTE.
DON'T YOU SCRATCH THAT PAINT, KID.
THE NEXT MORNING, I POINTED MARTY NORTH WITH FINGERS CROSSED.
WITH ONLY A DAY OF TRAINING UNDER HIS BELT,
I WAS WORRIED.
I LOVED THAT CAR.
♪♪
THE KID WASN'T PLAY-ACTING ANYMORE.
HE WAS WORKING A REAL CASE,
THE CASE OF INFIDELITY, LUST, FOOLING AROUND.
YOU KNOW, HUMPING.
AS MARTY DROVE NORTH, THE WEATHER WENT SOUTH.
FROM 'FRISCO TO OREGON,
THE SKY WAS WETTER THAN A FAT STRIPPER'S THONG.
I'M STARVING.
IS THERE A CANDY MACHINE AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
UH-HUH.
OH, HEY. THERE YOU ARE.
ATTA GIRL. HI.
JESUS.
ISN'T THAT THING DANGEROUS?
ONLY IF HE BITES YOU.
AFTER A LONG NIGHT ON A SHORT MATTRESS,
MARTY WAS UP WITH THE BIRDS, HEADING INTO TOWN.
BEAVER RIDGE-- SMALL TOWN, USA.
NORMAN ROCKWELL CAN EAT ME.
PEOPLE ARE FREAKS, DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THEY LIVE,
AND BEAVER RIDGE IS NO EXCEPTION.
THE GUIDEBOOK SAYS THE NAME BEAVER RIDGE
COMES FROM THE INDIANS,
BUT THE LOCAL LUMBERJACKS TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.
SOMETHING ABOUT A POORLY RUN GIRL'S SCHOOL
THAT USED TO BE UP IN THE HILL.
GOOD MORNING.
AH, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOUR SHERIFF WAS IN.
SHERIFF!
SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU, BY GOD!
HOLD YOUR DAMN HORSES, CHARLIE!
THANK YOU.
YOU THE ONE HERE TO SEE ME?
YES, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UH, I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN WITH YOU
AND LET YOU KNOW I'M IN TOWN.
MY NAME'S MARTY MACKENZIE.
I'M A PRIVATE DETECTIVE FROM LOS ANGELES,
AND I'M JUST HERE, WORKING ON A CASE.
NOTHING-- NOTHING SERIOUS,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'D JUST LIKE YOUR COOPERATION,
IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.
WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE NO PRIVATE DETECTIVE.
WHAT YOU INVESTIGATING, BOY?
UH, WELL, IT'S JUST AN ADULTERY CASE.
I, I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK FOLKS' PRIVATE BUSINESS
IS THEIR OWN PRIVATE BUSINESS?
WELL, SIR, IT'S JUST MY JOB.
WHAT'S YOUR JOB? SNEAKING AROUND, PEEKING AROUND,
SEEING WHO'S DIDDLING WHO? THAT AIN'T NO JOB.
THAT'S A PERVERSION, BOY.
WELL, I SHOULD ONLY BE IN TOWN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO LEAVE TOWN RIGHT NOW.
YOU AIN'T GOT NO BUSINESS HERE. SEE, FOLKS AROUND HERE,
WE DON'T LIKE NO ONE, EXCEPT FOR OURSELVES.
WELL, SHERIFF, I CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL I DO MY JOB. IT'S...
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD MAYBE
KEEP MY PRESENCE HERE, YOU KNOW, QUIET.
OH, WE AIN'T GOING TO TELL ANYBODY.
WELL, THANKS.
IT HAD BEEN A HALF AN HOUR SINCE MARTY ATE BREAKFAST,
SO HE WENT FOR A BITE AT BUD'S, A GREASY SPOON
WHERE THE LOCALS GATHERED TO CHEW THE FAT.
WHEN IN ROME, DO LIKE THE ROMANS;
BUT MARTY WASN'T IN ROME.
ROME'S IN ITALY.
PSST.
YOU'RE THAT POLICEMAN FROM DOWN SOUTH, AIN'T YOU?
NO, NO, NO. I'M JUST A TOURIST.
NO. I HEARD YOU'RE HERE, INVESTIGATING.
NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, THAT IS SOME BEAUTIFUL WEATHER
YOU'RE HAVING OUT THERE, HUH?
HI. UM, CAN I JUST GET
A CUP OF COFFEE AND THREE DOUGHNUTS?
ANYTHING FOR A GOVERNMENT MAN.
I'M, I'M NOT A GOVERNMENT...
THE PORCUPINES IS TOO BIG AROUND HERE.
REALLY?
THAT'S INTERESTING.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOME TOP SECRET INFORMATION,
BUT IT'S TOP SECRET.
SO, IF IT GOES ANY FURTHER,
YOU'RE A GODDAMN LIAR.
OKAY.
THERE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE NO NUCLEAR TESTING AROUND HERE,
BUT THEY DO IT ANYHOW.
THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE,
BUT IT'S TOP, TOP SECRET.
ME AND MY OLD MAN, WE SEEN A TWO-HEADED MULE THE OTHER DAY,
RIGHT UP ON THAT RIDGE, SOUTH OF TOWN.
JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW, BEING A GOVERNMENT SPY AND ALL.
THANK YOU.
WITH A BELLY FULL OF DOUGHNUTS,
HE TRACKED DOWN DIANE'S HOUSE AND SETTLED IN.
THE OLD WAITING GAME:
SECOND WORST PART OF THE GIG.
THE WORST IS WHEN YOU GET YOUR BUTT CHEEKS RIPPED OFF
BY PIT BULL WITH TOURETTE'S.
THAT REALLY SUCKS.
OKAY, DIANE.
TAKE ME TO YOUR LOVE NEST.
FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, HE TAILED DIANE WITH HIS HEADLIGHTS OFF,
WHICH IS A GOOD WAY TO HIT A DEER, BUST UP MY GRILL WORK.
KNUCKLEHEAD.
OH, IF JACK COULD SEE ME NOW.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THIS KIND OF FUN
SINCE WE GOT MARRIED. IT'S LIKE WE'RE KIDS AGAIN!
MARRIED?
IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME REAL LOVING?
OOH, OOH! DEEPER, DEEPER!
UNTIE THE KNOT AND GIVE ME MORE ROPE.
HERE COMES MORE ROPE, BABY.
OH! I SAID MORE ROPE!
THAT'S ALL THE ROPE I HAVE, DIANE.
IT WAS ALL TOO EASY, EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE DETAIL.
WHILE DIANE WAS GETTING LAID--
OH, GOD. HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!
SOMEONE ELSE WAS GETTING FUCKED.
OH, DEEPER, DEEPER.
OH, YES. YES.
PLEASE, DON'T! DON'T!
UH!
THE KID'S NERVES HELD,
ALTHOUGH HE DID WASTE HALF A ROLL OF FILM
TAKING PICTURES OF HIS MICROPHONE.
GET HOME. BYE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, BOY?
YOU DO THIS?
NO.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M WORKING ON MY CASE.
YOU MEAN THAT ADULTERY THING?
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M THE DAMN SHERIFF OF THIS TOWN.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING HERE?
I'M INVESTIGATING!
SHERIFF, I THINK THAT I HEARD SOMEONE BEING MURDERED OUT HERE.
I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
I AIN'T GOT TIME TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU THINK YOU HEARD.
NOW, I'LL TAKE YOUR STATEMENT IN THE MORNING.
NOW, GET!
OKAY. SURE. HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
I'M IN THE INVESTIGATING BUSINESS MYSELF.
SON OF A BITCH.
MORE ROPE.
OH, HERE COMES MORE ROPE, BABY.
OH. I SAID MORE ROPE!
THAT'S ALL THE ROPE I HAVE, DIANE.
OH, DEEPER, DEEPER. DEEPER.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
OH, MORE! DEEPER!
OKAY. HERE IT COMES.
SHIT.
THE TAPE RAN OUT.
YEAH, HOLD ON!
YOU ON DRUGS, BOY?
WHAT?
I SAID, YOU ON DRUGS?
NO. SHERIFF, NO. I, I JUST--
I WAS UP MOST OF THE NIGHT.
I COMPLETED MY INVESTIGATION
ON WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, DOWN AT THE GRAVEL PIT.
SOMEBODY WAS KILLED, ALL RIGHT, BUT IT WASN'T MURDER.
SEEMS THE FOREMAN AT THAT PLACE
HAD A LITTLE GRUDGE AGAINST THE OWNER, MR. PALM.
TRIED TO BLOW THE PLACE UP BUT KILLED HIMSELF INSTEAD.
AIN'T NOTHING LEFT OF HIM BUT LITTLE BITTY PIECES NOW.
NOW, YOU GOT YOUR BUSINESS DONE.
I'D LIKE YOU TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOWN.
YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, BOY.
LET'S GET SOME FRIES.
WHILE MARTY WAS GETTING HIS WAKEUP CALL,
I WAS OUT MAKING A CALL OF MY OWN
ON A REAL ESTATE BROKER.
HAD A LEAD ON A NICE SPOT ON THE BEACH IN FLORIDA.
THOUGHT I COULD HAVE IT FOR A SONG AND $410,000.
POTTER, I MEAN JACK, HEY, IT'S ME, MARTY.
I GOT THE DIRT ON DIANE,
BUT THE GUY SHE'S DOING IS HER HUSBAND.
SHE'S NOT A SLUT, JUST KINKY.
OH, AND JACK,
I STUMBLED ONTO SOMETHING BIG, REALLY BIG.
LOOK, I THINK I HEARD SOMEONE BEING MURDERED.
KID, YOUR PIZZA'S READY!
LOOK, GOTTA GO, JACK.
I WONDER WHAT THAT LITTLE PECKER IS UP TO.
JACK!
JACK, ARE YOU OKAY?
JESUS, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!
JACK, CAN YOU TALK YET?
JACK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY?
I DROVE UP TO SEE YOU.
I SAW YOU IN MY CAR, FOLLOWED IT
AND GOT MACED BY A SHITHEAD.
YEAH, THE STUFF REALLY WORKS.
NO KIDDING.
WELL, HERE.
I MADE YOU THIS.
I THINK IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
JACK, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.
THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
WHILE I WAS UP THERE RECORDING THEM
GOING AT IT LIKE JACKRABBITS,
JACK, I THINK I HEARD SOMEONE BEING MURDERED.
YOU GET THAT ON TAPE, THE MURDER?
DAMN IT, I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ASK ME THAT.
NO, NO. THE TAPE RAN OUT, BUT LISTEN, JACK, I'M TELLING YOU--
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK HAPPENED.
YOU FELL ASLEEP OUT THERE AND THEN HAD A BAD DREAM,
AND YOU WOKE UP, AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR TEDDY BEAR,
AND IT WAS COLD AND SCARY AND DARK,
AND YOU WERE GOING TO PIDDLE IN YOUR PANTS.
JACK, I KNOW WHAT I HEARD.
LOOK, I HAD MY EARPHONES ON, OKAY,
AND I'M POINTING THE SHOTGUN MIKE LIKE THIS,
AND I HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "OH, MY GOD--"
I'LL TAKE HIM OUT FIRST, THEN THE GUY IN THE BACK.
SHIT!
AH!
JACK! YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN NOW?
SHUT UP!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WELL, WE'LL LOOK INTO IT...
BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
I MEAN, IT COULD'VE BEEN JUST ABOUT ANYBODY.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, TOMMY?
JUST ABOUT ANYBODY.
YOU SEE, FOLKS AROUND HERE
LIKE TO MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
THEY DON'T LIKE STRANGERS COMING AROUND
MINDING THEIR BUSINESS FOR THEM.
DOES MAKE THEM ALL EXCITABLE
TO TAKE THE LAW IN THEIR OWN HANDS.
SPEAKING OF THAT,
AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF HERE BY NOW, TENDERFOOT?
YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO BE LEAVING THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,
SHERIFF OWENS. YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT.
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. COME ON, TOMMY.
THAT'S IT? WE'RE JUST GOING TO GET UP AND LEAVE?
YEAH. CRAZY, ISN'T IT?
ONE HOUR IN TOWN, AND I'VE BEEN MACED,
SHOT AT AND HARASSED BY THE LOCAL POLICE,
AND HERE I AM, ALREADY WANTING TO LEAVE.
HEY, YOU GO FIGURE IT.
JACK, COME ON.
AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON?
MARTY, YOU ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED INTO A BIG PILE OF SHIT.
NOW, WHAT YOU DO IS, YOU LIFT UP YOUR LEG,
AND YOU SCRAPE THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE, AND YOU WALK ON.
YOU DON'T HANG AROUND HERE JUST HOPPING UP AND DOWN
ON THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU FIND IT FUCKING CURIOUS.
THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT'S CURIOUS
IS WHERE'S YOUR NEXT PAY CHECK COMING FROM, CAPISCE?
YEAH, JACK. I CAPISCE.
YOU GOT SHOT AT, AND NOW YOU'RE SCARED.
LOOK, KID.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BULLET CAN DO TO A HUMAN BODY?
YEAH, JACK. I SAW TERMINATOR.
YOU'RE SO FUCKING IGNORANT, IT'S PATHETIC.
THOSE WERE ANDROIDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S PATHETIC, JACK? YOU'RE PATHETIC.
OH, YEAH?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO COOL WHEN I FIRST MET YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT?
I GUESS IT WAS ALL JUST AN ACT, HUH?
DICK TRACY HERE, TALKING TO ME ABOUT PUTTING ON AN ACT.
JACK, WHERE'S THE FIRE IN YOUR BELLY
I GOT FIRE IN MY BELLY.
THAT'S WHY I TAKE THESE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHATEVER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER.
PECKER.
HAVE NO FIRE IN MY BELLY.
SOON YOU FORGET WHAT THE REAL STUFF TASTES LIKE.
HELLO.
MARTY'S UNAVAILABLE.
JACK POTTER. I'M HIS BOSS.
MR. POND, UH-HUH? UH-HUH.
THE POND GRAVEL COMPANY--
YOU GIVE US A BIG ROCK,
WE'LL GIVE YOU LOTS OF LITTLE ROCKS.
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS PLACE BEFORE I GOT A HOLD OF IT.
IT WAS A WILDERNESS, NOTHING BUT TREES
AND DEERS AND RABBITS.
NOW, LOOK AT IT.
QUITE A TRANSFORMATION, MR. POND.
YEAH. ONE DAY, IT WILL ALL BE CINDERS.
COME ON, SWEETHEART. LET'S MOVE THIS BUGGY.
OH, I GOT IT.
YEAH, TRANSFORMATION. THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT.
NOW SOMEBODY'S TRYING TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY FROM ME.
ANY IDEA WHO THAT MIGHT BE?
WELL, HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?
THAT'S WHAT I'M HIRING YOU BOYS FOR.
WHEN THE SHERIFF FIRST TOLD ME ABOUT YOU, I THOUGHT, YEAH.
SO, WHY DID YOU HIRE US?
WHEN SHERIFF OWENS TOLD ME YOU WERE NO GOOD,
I KNEW YOU WERE RIGHT FOR THE JOB.
ANYTHING TO PISS OFF OWENS.
WELL, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING, MR. POND.
COULD YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE MAN WHO WAS KILLED,
WHAT'S HIS NAME, DANNY HARKNESS?
YEAH, DANNY HARKNESS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE NO ACCOUNT TURD.
GIVE HIM A JOB, AND HE'LL STILL SUCK A TIT.
OH, NOW, HE WASN'T ONE OF THE BEAVER RIDGE HARKNESSES.
NO, HE'D COME FROM THAT DEGENERATE BUNCH OF HARKNESSES,
LIVED UP IN TRUSSBERG.
THEY'RE INTO IN-BREEDING, WIFE-SWAPPING AND DEVIL WORSHIP.
EVERYBODY IN BEAVER RIDGE THINKS THEY'RE REALLY WEIRD.
WELL, IF THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE THINK THEY'RE WEIRD,
THAT PLACE MUST BE UP THE CHARTS.
SORRY.
IF DANNY HARKNESS WAS TRYING TO DRIVE YOU OUT OF BUSINESS,
OBVIOUSLY ONE OF HIS ACCOMPLICES DOUBLE-CROSSED HIM.
YEAH, THE SHERIFF.
YEAH, WELL, I WOULDN'T PUT ANYTHING PAST ALTON OWENS;
BUT THEN, I WOULDN'T PUT ANYTHING PAST ANYBODY
IN THIS GODFORSAKEN SHIT HOLE OF A TOWN.
I MADE THIS TOWN.
NOW, THEY TURN ON ME LIKE A PACK OF BLOODTHIRSTY WOLVES.
I TOOK CARE OF THEIR PROBLEMS,
TREATED THEM LIKE THEY WERE MY OWN CHILDREN.
HEY, TANNER! GOD DAMN IT!
EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, I SEE YOU DRINKING SOMETHING!
NOW, YOU DRINK ON YOUR OWN GODDAMN TIME!
YOU HEAR ME? YOU HUMP BACK ON THAT RIG,
AND YOU START MOVING SOME DIRT! YOU HEAR ME?
GOD DAMN IT, TANNER! YOU HEAR ME?
BASTARD.
UH, MR. POND-- WHAT?
WHAT IS THE FINANCIAL CONDITION OF YOUR COMPANY?
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO HORACE JUNIOR ABOUT THAT.
OW!
NOW, JACK, MARTY, DON'T YOU BE CALLING ME MR. TUTT.
I MIGHT BE PRESIDENT OF THE BANK,
BUT EVERYBODY STILL JUST CALLS ME HORACE JUNIOR.
IT'S TO DISTINGUISH ME FROM DADDY.
CINDY CALLED, TOLD ME TO HELP YOU BOYS OUT ANY WAY I CAN,
SO SHOOT.
WELL, FIRST, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE
TALKING TO YOU ABOUT MR. POND'S FINANCES.
WELL, I'LL CLEAR THAT UP FOR YOU, JACK.
MANY YEARS AGO, THREE FRIENDS FROM BEAVER RIDGE
WENT AWAY TO FIGHT IN KOREA.
THAT'S DADDY,
CHUCK DAVIES IN THE MIDDLE, THAT'S CINDY'S DADDY,
LIONEL POND.
CAME BACK HEROES AND IN ONE PIECE,
AND DADDY, HE STARTED OUT HERE AT THE BANK AS A TELLER.
HE WORKED HIS WAY UP TO BE PRESIDENT.
NOW, POOR CINDY'S DADDY CHUCK,
WELL, CHUCK HAD A FONDNESS FOR THE BOTTLE.
HE NEVER DID AMOUNT TO VERY MUCH, AND SO
DADDY AND LIONEL JUST KIND OF HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HIM TILL
HE FINALLY GOT DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND DROVE HIMSELF OVER A CLIFF.
ANYWAY.
LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE, HORACE.
HOW IS LIONEL'S COMPANY DOING? HE IN HOCK?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS TO US.
PUTTING ASIDE THE FACT THAT LIONEL'S BEEN
LIKE A SECOND DADDY TO ME, THE LAST THING
THE FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF BEAVER RIDGE WANTS TO DO
IS FORECLOSE ON THAT MORTGAGE.
NOBODY WOULD BE FOOL ENOUGH TO BUY IT.
CAN'T TURN IT INTO CONDOS
'CAUSE WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN A GIANT SANDBOX?
OH, IF IT ISN'T MY DARLING WIFE DARLENE.
DARLENE, COME HERE.
I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO MEET JACK, MARTY.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
HONEY, ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING?
HAH!
DARLENE'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT EDGY LATELY,
AND SHE SAW ON THAT OPRAH PROGRAM, WHERE THEY SAID
YOU OUGHT TO VENT OUT ALL YOUR ANGER.
HORSE SHIT.
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH, SHEILA. I TOLD YOU TO HOLD ALL MY CALL--
SURE.
MARTY.
IT'S FOR YOU.
HELLO?
CINDY.
YEAH.
SO, AFTER THAT, I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD.
OH, MARTY. YOU'VE LED SUCH AN INTERESTING LIFE.
DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE THROUGH WITH ACTING?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THIS PRIVATE EYE THING WAS JUST AN INTERN DEAL,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M STARTING TO GET INTO IT.
I WISH I COULD FIND SOMETHING TO GET INTO.
WORKING AS A SECRETARY AT A GRAVEL PIT
ISN'T EXACTLY MY IDEA OF CAREER FULFILLMENT.
SO, QUIT. I MEAN, LEAVE, MOVE.
OH, THAT'S SO EASY TO SAY, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING RAISED IN A SMALL TOWN
AND NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ELSE.
BESIDES, MR. POND DID SO MUCH FOR MY DAD,
AND HE REALLY NEEDS ME.
CINDY, THE WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO POTENTIALLY NEED YOU.
YOU THINK SO?
OH, YEAH.
MORE WINE?
YEAH. SURE.
I GUESS I MUST REALLY SEEM BORING TO YOU,
AFTER ALL THE GLAMOROUS WOMEN YOU'VE MET IN HOLLYWOOD.
CINDY, I FIND YOU SO MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF BORING,
THAT I CAN'T EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS.
I'M SERIOUS. YOU ARE THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET
SINCE I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND THAT I REALLY LIKE.
MORE WINE?
OH.
THAT WAS THE BEST MEATLOAF I HAVE EVER HAD.
IT WAS GREAT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.
NO. MARTY, I HARDLY KNOW YOU.
WHAT BETTER WAY TO GET TO KNOW ME?
I'M JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL.
WELL, OLD-FASHIONED GIRLS DRIVE ME CRAZY.
OH, MARTY, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
MARTY, YOU'RE SO AROUSED.
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK.
THANKS.
SO, HOW'D IT GO WITH THE SHERIFF?
HE STAYED IN THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME, SNORING AND BELCHING.
NOT A SHITLOAD OF BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, I'M PROUD OF YOU, JACK.
FOR WHAT?
FOR TAKING THIS CASE, YOU KNOW?
YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE WITH THE DETECTIVE BUSINESS.
I TOOK THE CASE STRICTLY FOR THE PAY CHECK.
YEAH?
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOU TOOK IT BECAUSE YOU'RE INTRIGUED BY IT.
AND ALSO, YOU LIKE HAVING ME AS YOUR PARTNER.
I THINK THE MACE IS AFFECTING YOUR BRAIN.
"IF IT AIN'T BIG, IT AIN'T BUD'S."
SO, JACK, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WELL...
I KNOW WHO KILLED DANNY HARKNESS.
WHO?
CAN'T TELL YOU THAT NOW. I'M BEING WATCHED.
WHO'S WATCHING YOU?
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT EITHER.
WHY NOT?
IT'S TOP, TOP SECRET.
WHEN CAN YOU TELL US?
GIVE ME A RIDE HOME TO TRUSSBERG,
AND I'LL TELL YOU IN THE CAR.
I SEEN THE TWO-HEADED MULE AGAIN TODAY.
WE'RE HEADED OUT TO A TOWN FULL OF DEVIL WORSHIPERS
ON A TIP FROM A DAME WHO SEES TWO-HEADED MULES.
JACK, IN THE DETECTIVE BUSINESS,
YOU CANNOT LEAVE ANY STONE UNTURNED.
WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.
NO!
ARE YOU SURE?
WE'RE SURE. BELIEVE ME.
THEY'D HAVE TAKEN A SHOT AT US BY NOW,
SO, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DANNY HARKNESS?
I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT DANNY HARKNESS.
HE WAS MY RELATIVE IN THREE DIFFERENT WAYS.
HE WAS MY FIRST COUSIN, MY EX-BROTHER-IN-LAW
AND MY NEPHEW ONCE REMOVED.
SO, TELL US, WHO KILLED HIM?
BE CAREFUL WITH THIS INFORMATION.
THIS IS MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU KNOW.
WHO WAS IT?
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WASHINGTON.
MY GOD! WHAT, THE GOVERNMENT IS INVOLVED?
NO. GEORGE WASHINGTON.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE KID WHO COULDN'T TELL A LIE.
SHOCKED? SO WAS I.
HE'S LIVING RIGHT UP ON THAT OLD MINE ON THE HILL,
HIM AND ELVIS AND M.L. KING AND JFK,
AND JOHN LENNON AND HARRY TRUMAN.
THEY'VE GOT A CULT GOING ON UP THERE, THE BLUE OYSTER CULT.
I SEEN ELVIS SNEAKING INTO A STORE YESTERDAY.
HE DIDN'T THINK I SEEN HIM, BUT I DID.
HE WAS BUYING TWO POUNDS OF JAWBREAKERS,
SOME FAT BACK AND A GALLON OF ROCKY ROAD.
LISTEN, YOU KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS AROUND HERE.
NOTHING'S LIKE IT SEEMS.
EVERYTHING'S CAMOUFLAGE.
WE DROVE ON TO TRUSSBERG,
WHERE THE ONLY GENE THE LOCALS DON'T SHARE IS HYGIENE.
OKAY. THERE WE ARE.
IF I GET ANY MORE LEADS--
DON'T CALL US.
YOU BOYS HUNGRY?
I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY.
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU HAD THREE OF THOSE MUTANT DOUGHNUTS.
JACK, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. I NEED SOME PROTEIN.
BESIDES, THEY MAKE SOME GREAT BARBECUE IN THESE SMALL TOWNS.
COME ON, JACK. FREE FOOD.
MARTY, JACK--
THESE ARE MY COUSINS NED, CHRISTIE AND TINY.
HEY. SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO FOR A LIVING?
I'M A STRIPPER. YOU WANT SOME MEAT?
JACK, YOU WANT SOME MEAT?
NO.
WHAT KIND OF MEAT IS IT?
IT'S GOOD MEAT.
COME ON. I'LL FIX YOU A PLATE.
HEY.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
ME?
I'M A SINGER.
NO SHIT!
WHAT KIND?
LOUNGE.
LOUNGE!
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU. WHY, LOUNGE!
STUMPY, HE'S A SINGER!
DON'T CALL ME STUMPY.
I LOVE LOUNGE!
NOW, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE CHICKEN OR BEEF OR PORK,
OR THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY BARBECUE.
IT'S THE TOWN'S SPECIALTY.
I'M A SONGWRITER! I WROTE THIS,
AND I RECORDED IT WITH A BUDDY DOWN IN BAKERSFIELD.
HE USED TO HAVE A STUDIO, BUT HE'S DEAD NOW.
YEAH, SOMEBODY KILLED HIM FOR BEING SELFISH.
LOOK, THE SONG'S CALLED "LAST TRAIN TO TRUSSBERG."
YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME GET IT PUBLISHED?
I MEAN, HEY, LOOK, YOU CAN SING IT.
HELL, YOU CAN EVEN RECORD IT!
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'VE GOT WORDS. LISTEN.
♪ TWO-LANE REDWOOD HIGHWAY
♪ BUMPING ALONG
♪ TWO-LANE REDWOOD HIGHWAY
♪ IT'S A SONG
♪ TWO-LANE REDWOOD HIGHWAY
OH, I THINK I MIGHT ADD A COUPLE YIPPIE-YIE-YAYS,
YOU KNOW, GIVE IT A COWBOY FEEL. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WELL, I DON'T SING OTHER PEOPLE'S SONGS. I'M A LONER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IS THERE A PLACE AROUND HERE A GUY CAN TAKE A PEE IN?
YOU THINK YOU'RE ONE BIG SHOT SINGER, DON'T YOU?
YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN I AM.
WELL, LOOK OUT THAT WINDOW. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
THAT'S TWO-LANE REDWOOD HIGHWAY. I WROTE THAT, HUH?
TWO-LANE REDWOOD HIGHWAY!
YOU'RE SELFISH, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
LOOK, I'M GOING TO SING THE DAMN SONG,
BUT ONLY ON ONE CONDITION THAT YOU SIGN OVER THE RIGHTS.
I'M GOING TO WRITE MY ADDRESS DOWN ON A PIECE OF--
WELL, I'LL WRITE IT DOWN ON YOUR HAND.
DO IT.
AND THEN YOU SEND ME THE PAPERS.
UH, MARTY, TIME TO GO.
COME ON. THANK YOU.
SEE YOU LATER.
JACK, I THINK THESE PEOPLE--
SHUT UP AND KEEP MOVING.
I THINK THEY'RE CANNIBALS.
SHUT UP AND KEEP MOVING.
COME ON. STICK A LEG, WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE.
JACK--
HURRY IT UP!
START THE CAR AND GET OUT OF HERE.
JACK, THAT MEAT HAD A SHOE ON IT.
I SAID START THE CAR!
HEY, BIG SHOT SINGER!
OH, MY GOD. GET DOWN!
WATCH OUT!
WHAT THE HELL?
DO YOU THINK WE CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW?
I'M GOING!
GO!
STOP THE CAR!
COME ON!
COME ON, HURRY UP!
DAMN IT, WE'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY. THE HIGHWAY IS BACK THERE!
I'M JUST TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM THESE NUT CASES.
COME ON!
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS CAR?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE IT?
BASTARDS!
OH...
HOLD ON, JACK!
WATCH OUT!
THAT TIME, DID YOU SEE WHAT IT DID?
SELFISH.
OUCH! SHIT!
WOO!
ALL RIGHT, JACK!
I THINK WE LOST THEM.
YEAH.
WOO!
HOLY SHIT!
THEY'VE GOT ARTILLERY!
HILLBILLIES WITH HOWITZERS!
AND HELICOPTERS!
YOU ARE ON A UNITED STATES NAVAL INSTALLATION.
NAVAL INSTALLATION?
YOU ARE IN A RESTRICTED AREA.
OH, FUCK!
SHIT!
15 YEARS OF WAX JOBS, OIL CHANGES,
LITTLE SCENTED PINE TREES.
JACK! ARE YOU OKAY?
STOP! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
FREEZE! DON'T MOVE!
ARE WE IN TROUBLE?
WHAT?
ARE WE IN TROUBLE?
DO NOT MOVE, AND YOU WILL NOT BE HURT.
FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA TO THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI,
I WANTED TO PUT MY TRIPLE-E SHOE UP MARTY'S ASS.
MY CHEVELLE WAS FLATTER THAN AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER.
WELL, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY VAN, THE GOOD OLD BOY.
THANKS A LOT.
BOY, THAT'S SOMETHING, ISN'T IT?
A WEAPONS TESTING PLACE, RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THOSE GUYS WERE PRETTY COOL, DIDN'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, SURE DID.
TOWARD THE MIDDLE OF THAT 6½-HOUR INTERROGATION,
I STARTED TO THINK OF THEM AS OLD FRIENDS.
BOY, THAT SERGEANT SURE HAD COLD HANDS
DURING THAT CAVITY SEARCH, DIDN'T SHE?
WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT A SHE.
SO, WHO ARE OUR SUSPECTS?
THE WAY I SEE IT, THERE'S THREE: THE SHERIFF--
DEFINITELY.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE BANK--
WHAT, HORACE JUNIOR?
WELL, IF THE GRAVEL PIT GOES UNDER, WHO GETS IT? THE BANK.
BUT HORACE JUNIOR SAID THAT THING WAS WORTHLESS TO THEM.
WELL, MAYBE HE'S THE BAD GUY, AND HE'S NOT TELLING US THE TRUTH.
MURDERERS DO THAT KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW?
OKAY, WELL, WHO'S THE THIRD?
YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND.
CINDY? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
WELL, COME ON. YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME
THAT YOU BUY HER SUSIE CREAM CHEESE ACT?
NOBODY COULD BE THAT WHOLESOME.
JACK, SHE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD POND ABOUT US.
NO, IT WAS OWENS.
LOOK, I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT ANY OF THE WHYS OF THIS THING,
BUT WHEN I DO, MAYBE I'LL FIGURE OUT THE WHOS.
AND ABOUT YOUR CAR, JACK, I'M SORRY.
IT WAS MY CHEVELLE THAT WENT OVER THAT CLIFF.
TONIGHT, DAMN THE ULCERS AND FULL SPEED AHEAD.
DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SNORT?
AH, SURE.
I MEAN, SURE.
YOU KNOW, I LOVED THAT CAR.
YEAH, IT HAD GREAT LINES, JACK.
YEAH, I WAS THE SMOOTHEST. PECKER.
YOU KNOW, JACK--
SOMETHING STILL KIND OF CONFUSES ME.
NOW, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED BY THAT?
DIANE--
YOU KNOW, THE WOMAN THAT YOU HAD ME COME UP HERE TO SPY ON.
I MEAN, WHAT GIVES WITH HER?
MARTY, I SET YOU UP, AND I'M SORRY.
JACK, WHAT-- YOU SET ME UP FOR--
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M TALKING ABOUT DIANE.
YOU DON'T THINK I'D GIVE YOU A REAL CASE TO TRAIN YOU?
I'M NOT THAT FUCKING CRAZY.
SHE'S MY PARTNER'S WIFE.
SHE CAME TO MY OFFICE ONE NIGHT.
WE SORT OF--
WE FELL INTO EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
WE STARTED TO GET IT ON, AND WE KNEW RIGHT AWAY,
BOTH OF US, THAT IT WAS NOT GOING TO END THERE.
BUT MORRIS FOUND OUT.
AND HE JUST DIED OF A BROKEN HEART.
HE COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE THEN,
BUT I--
I THINK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.
WOW.
HUH.
CINDY, I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN THE WOODS SINCE I WAS A KID.
NOW, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
I HAVE A SPECIAL SPOT.
YEAH, I'LL BET YOU DO.
I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? GET WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD KILL FOR A DUMP LIKE THIS.
I DO.
I KNOW.
THIS HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR COUSINS, DOES IT?
BECAUSE OF THIS.
SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.
IT'S RIGHT OFF THE HIGHWAY,
BUT IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
SHIT!
GOD!
IT'S JUST A LITTLE INSECT.
PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF IT.
I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU KNOW, MARTY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU AND JACK ARE SUSPICIOUS OF HORACE JUNIOR.
HE'S ONE OF THE SWEETEST MEN I KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S ALL JUST AN ACT.
NOT EVERYBODY'S FROM HOLLYWOOD, MARTY.
SOME PEOPLE ARE EXACTLY WHAT THEY SEEM.
JESUS!
CINDY! STAY BACK!
OH, MY GOD.
MARTY, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
SO, THAT'S IT?
YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A JOB?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
THIS ISN'T OUR CASE. THIS IS SHERIFF OWENS'.
I MEAN, LET HIM GET HIS BALLS BLOWN OFF.
WELL, AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE?
I MEAN, WHERE'S THE OLD FIRE IN THE BELLY,
OR DOESN'T ANYTHING HAVE ANY VALUE TO YOU ANYMORE?
YOU KNOW, THE HELL WITH YOU, JACK. I MEAN,
YEAH, I MAY BE A SCREW UP, BUT YOU'RE NO PRIZE YOURSELF.
I MEAN, BROKEN DOWN DETECTIVE,
AND YOU'RE SPYING ON A WOMAN YOU'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED TO.
GET OUT OF HERE.
JACK...
SORRY, JACK.
MARTY STRUCK A NERVE,
AND I HATED HIM FOR IT.
HE WAS RIGHT. I HAD NO BUSINESS SPYING ON DIANE,
BUT MAYBE I COULD CATCH A KILLER.
THAT WOULD BE A NICE CAPPER TO MY CRAPPY CAREER.
BALL AND WRECKERS, PLEASE.
UH, MIKE MINER IN THE SAYERS OFFICE.
MIKE? JACK POTTER HERE.
I'M FINE. UH, I'M UP IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS, BUDDY.
I'D LIKE YOU TO DO A FAVOR FOR ME.
MARTY!
JACK TOLD ME YOU'D LEFT.
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
I HAD TO SEE YOU.
COME IN.
YOU'LL BE SURPRISED HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
SINCE I'VE BEEN WITH A GUY.
I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SPECIAL, MARTY.
CINDY, I LEFT. I DESERTED YOU.
BUT YOU CAME BACK.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, I GUESS I KIND OF SURPRISED MYSELF.
CINDY, I SAID SOME REAL TERRIBLE THINGS TO JACK.
I THINK HE MUST REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.
DID HE MENTION WHY HE WAS GOING TO PORTLAND?
NO. HE JUST SAID IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE CASE
AND THAT HE'D BE BACK LATE TONIGHT.
CINDY, CAN I BORROW YOUR JEEP?
WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE,
GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS UP AND COME ON OUT HERE.
GODDAMN IT. YOU AGAIN?
THAT'S RIGHT, SHERIFF, ME...
AND AS WE SPEAK,
MY PARTNER JACK POTTER'S ON HIS WAY TO GET THE FBI
TO ARREST YOU FOR THE MURDER OF DANNY HARKNESS.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MURDERED DANNY HARKNESS?
WHAT ARE YOU DIGGING THERE, SHERIFF, A GRAVE?
THAT AIN'T EXACTLY A BAD IDEA.
I WAS DIGGING SOMETHING UP, NOT BURYING IT.
COME HERE.
NOW, THIS HERE'S A PETER RING.
YOU PUT THAT SUCKER ON, YOU CAN GO ALL NIGHT LONG.
WHAT I GOT OVER HERE IS ONE OF THEM VIBRATING DILDOS.
YOU CAN JUST PLUG IT RIGHT INTO A CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
IT MAKES IT EASY FOR LOVING ON THE RUN,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU GOT YOUR DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO. MAKES FOR SOME VARIETY.
NOW THIS LITTLE BUDDY OVER HERE, THIS IS THE BUTT PLUG.
YOU GOT NO IDEA WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WITH THIS LITTLE SUCKER.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, SHERIFF.
SEX PARAPHERNALIA?
WHAT, ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE MEETING A WOMAN OUT HERE?
WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
IS I'M A DIRTY, LYING, CHEATING, ADULTEROUS SON OF A BITCH
WITH A BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND TWO KIDS,
AND A BOX OF SEX TOYS BURIED OUT HERE IN THE GROUND.
I'M A DIRTY BIRDIE BOY.
WAS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING HERE THE OTHER NIGHT,
WHEN EVERYTHING BLEW UP?
YEAH, AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP THAT NIGHT.
ALMOST GOT KILLED.
HELL, SHE'S EVEN LATE TONIGHT.
NOW, I'VE GOT TWO WOMEN DRIVING ME CRAZY, INSTEAD OF ONE.
IT'S JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH. NO, DEFINITELY. YEAH.
GO FOR IT.
A COUPLE OF PECKERS WITH A BOX OF DILDOS.
MARTY'S HUNCH HAD CRAPPED OUT
WORSE THAN A TOURIST IN TIJUANA,
BUT THERE WAS ONE MORE SEX TOY WAITING FOR MARTY...
A COLD COCK.
HORACE JUNIOR?
WELL, HI THERE, MARTY.
WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE ON A CONVEYOR BELT
AT THE POND GRAVEL AND ASPHALT COMPANY'S ROCK CRUSHING MACHINE.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SNOOPING AROUND WHERE YOU SHOULDN'T BE
AND ACCIDENTALLY GET CRUSHED TO DEATH.
CURIOSITY KILLED THE HOTSHOT BIG CITY PRIVATE EYE.
YOU KILLED DANNY HARKNESS? WHY?
GREED.
PURE GREED MADE ME DO IT.
THE LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
A LOT OF FUN, TOO.
MONEY? HORACE, THIS IS A WORTHLESS HOLE IN THE GROUND.
SHIT.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THIS MUST BE THE THROTTLE.
LET'S SEE. I CAN SPEED IT UP.
HORACE!
OR I CAN SLOW IT DOWN.
HORACE!
OH, YEAH!
GET ME OUT OF HERE, HORACE.
FASTER...
SLOWER.
FASTER, SLOWER.
GOD DAMN IT!
I LOVE THIS.
REVERSE...
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
OH, MAN, THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN I'M AT A SALAD PLACE.
WELL, WHERE'S THE HERO SUPPOSED TO SAVE ME?
UH-UH.
HUH?
NOT IN MY MOVIE.
HORACE, DON'T DO IT. HELP ME!
HORACE JUNIOR, STOP THAT BELT
AND GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
HELP!
JACK, HURRY UP!
I SAID STOP THAT BELT!
HORACE!
JACK!
JACK! COME ON!
JACK!
HORACE, DROP THE GUN!
JACK! HELP!
JACK!
JACK, HURRY UP!
HELP ME!
DAMN.
HURRY UP!
SHIT. FASTER!
JACK, HELP!
JACK!
MARTY.
JACK?
WANT A MINT?
NO. I WANT YOU TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HORACE JUNIOR?
NOW, DARLENE, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS OLD HORACE JUNIOR
WASN'T A VERY NICE FELLA.
I KNOW THAT, ALTON, BUT HE HAD SO MUCH MONEY.
WELL, HE MUST HAVE LEFT YOU SOMETHING.
NO, NOT A SINGLE DIME.
ALTON, I JUST TALKED TO MY LAWYER.
HORACE JUNIOR SPENT IT ALL ON WOMEN IN LAS VEGAS.
OH, NOW, COME ON. WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE STILL GOT
YOUR JOB BACK AT THE NAVAL BASE, AND I THINK YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
COULD YOU DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR NOW?
I NEED YOU TO WAIT IN THE OTHER ROOM.
WE'VE STILL GOT SOME MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU.
OKAY.
AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE, OLD TOMMY WILL TAKE YOU HOME DIRECTLY, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT. THANKS, ALTON. I'LL BE OKAY.
SHE WON'T BE LONELY LONG.
OLD DARLENE LIKE SAILORS.
JESUS, ISN'T ANYBODY IN THIS TOWN FAITHFUL?
YEAH, SOME OF US STILL ARE.
SO, WHAT IS THIS RUTILE STUFF ANYWAY?
IT'S WHAT THEY MAKE TITANIUM OUT OF.
IT'S A LIGHTWEIGHT, HIGHLY HEAT-RESISTANT METAL.
THEY USE IT IN THE SPACE SHUTTLE, FOR ONE THING.
AND IT'S WORTH SOMETHING?
LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY. THAT OLD BUZZARD OUT THERE
AT THE GRAVEL PIT IS A VERY RICH MAN.
HEY, JACK. YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE?
NO WAY.
MARTY!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HORACE TRIED TO DO TO YOU.
WHERE'S LIONEL?
I THINK ALL THE EXCITEMENT'S BEEN A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR HIM,
SO HE ASKED NOT TO SEE YOU TODAY,
BUT HE WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS MONEY.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
MR. POND WAS SO HAPPY WITH THE JOB YOU DID,
HE'S GIVING YOU A BONUS, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT MR. POND IS RICH. IT'S HIS LIFELONG DREAM...
AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE VAN, SLIP INTO MY BAGGY TROUSERS.
WITH AN ENVELOPE FULL OF CASH,
IT WAS TIME TO DASH BACK TO L.A. AND CALL THOSE BROKERS.
I HAD BAIT AND TACKLE ON MY MIND,
BUT MY GUT SAID MARTY'S THE ONE WHO WAS HOOKED.
SO, YOU'RE IN LOVE?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.
THANKS A LOT FOR SAVING MY BUTT LAST NIGHT.
YOU'RE LUCKY CINDY CALLED ME.
HOLD IT, JACK.
I DIDN'T TELL CINDY I WAS GOING TO THE GRAVEL PIT.
ALL I TOLD HER WAS THAT I WAS GOING TO TAIL SHERIFF OWENS.
SHE COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO THE GRAVEL PIT.
UNLESS...
UNLESS WHAT?
SHUT UP.
JACK, WHAT?
SHUT UP. I'M THINKING.
JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU GOT THAT REPORT ON MR. DENNIS IN PISS AND CHOW?
IT'S BY THE PHONE.
GODDAMN MORNING'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
SHIT.
YOU TWO.
DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU SO SOON.
UH, SHERIFF, I GOT ONE MORE QUESTION TO ASK YOU.
THAT WOMAN YOU'VE BEEN MEETING OUT AT THE GRAVEL PIT?
WHAT ABOUT HER?
IS HER NAME CINDY DAVIES?
JACK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING--
SHUT UP, MARTY.
YOU DON'T TELL ME, SHERIFF,
I MIGHT HAVE TO ASK YOUR WIFE A FEW QUESTIONS.
YOU SONS OF BITCHES.
YES.
NOW GET OUT.
COME ON, MARTY.
SORRY, KID.
COME ON, JACK. IF CINDY'S IN CAHOOTS WITH HORACE JUNIOR,
SHE TELLS HIM WE'RE I'LL BE AND LEAVES A MESSAGE FOR YOU
TO DO WHAT, COME OUT AND SAVE ME?
I MEAN, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE STUPID.
I WAS BEING SET UP, TOO.
HORACE JUNIOR WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL THE BOTH OF US.
BUT JACK, THERE'S ONE THING YOU'RE FORGETTING ABOUT.
WHAT?
WHY WOULD CINDY TRY TO ASSASSINATE HERSELF
WITH A HAND GRENADE?
NOW, WHO DRANK MY DAMN PEPSI?
DIDN'T YOUR MOM EVER TEACH YOU TO KNOCK?
LOVE OF PETE. WHEN ARE THE TWO OF YOU GONNA LEAVE MY TOWN?
SHERIFF, GRAB A SEAT.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU.
JACK?
UH, YES, SHERIFF.
TWO DAYS AGO, MARTY AND CINDY DAVIES WERE HAVING A PICNIC,
AND SOMEBODY TRIED TO KILL THE TWO OF THEM.
NOW, WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT CINDY DAVIES IS THAT SHE WAS BONING YOU.
WAIT A SECOND. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
SHERIFF.
SHE WAS ALSO HUMPING MARTY.
HOLD ON, JACK. IT WAS A LITTLE MORE THAN JUST HUMPING.
AND PRESUMABLY SHE WAS DOING THE NASTY WITH HORACE JUNIOR.
MISS DARLENE, YOU UNDERSTAND YOU COULD ALSO
HAVE KILLED MY PARTNER WITH THAT GRENADE?
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
SIR, YOU'D BETTER APOLOGIZE RIGHT AWAY.
LOOK AT HER. NOW, WHY WHERE WOULD THIS ANGEL FIND A GRENADE?
OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT FROM ONE OF THE SAILORS SHE WAS SCREWING
AT THE NAVAL WEAPONS TESTING CENTER?
RIGHT, MARTY. YOU TELL 'EM.
DARLENE.
YOU SAID I WAS YOUR ONE AND ONLY.
I--
I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO GO OFF.
SHERIFF, GRAB YOUR GUN. YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
JACK, GIVE ME A GUN.
WHAT?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
I'M SURE THE SHERIFF WON'T MIND, RIGHT?
HELL, THAT BITCH IS CRAZY. YOU'VE GOT AN EXTRA GUN,
GIVE IT TO HIM. HE'S GOING TO NEED IT.
BE CAREFUL.
IT ALL MADE SENSE.
SUSIE CREAM CHEESE WAS THE BIG CHEESE.
CINDY DAVIES, THE KILLER BEAVER OF BEAVER RIDGE.
TAKE ME BACK, DAMN IT. I'M GETTING COLD.
NOW CALM DOWN, LIONEL. YOU NEED THE FRESH AIR.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL.
HOLY SHIT!
CINDY'S GETTING AWAY! GET HER!
GET BACK!
AH! AAH!
HEY, WHERE HAVE YOU BASTARDS BEEN?
THAT GIRL'S TRYING TO KILL ME, NOW SHE'S GETTING AWAY!
I DON'T PAY YOU GUYS TO STAND AROUND WITH YOUR BUMS--
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
OH, FUCK!
YOU EVER HEAR OF AN EMERGENCY BREAK-IT DILDO?
JACK--
SHUT UP AND THINK ABOUT--
NO!
I GUESS I DIDN'T PUT IT IN PARK.
NO KIDDING.
CINDY'S HEADED UP TO THE HILLS.
TOMMY, GRAB ONE OF THOSE PICKUP TRUCKS.
TAKE MR. POND BACK TO TOWN.
GET HER! GO AND GET HER!
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. COME ON, MR. POND.
WITH LIGHTS FLASHING, SIRENS WAILING
AND MY KIDNEYS THROBBING, THE CHASE GOES ON.
I'LL TELL IT RIGHT NOW. WE'VE GOT TO STOP HER.
IF SHE GETS TO THE OLD TRUSSBERG MINE, WE'LL NEVER FIND HER.
THERE'S OVER 150 MILES OF TUNNELS THERE.
HOLD ON!
CINDY DROVE LIKE MARTY,
WHICH WAS ONE MORE REASON SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.
COME ON, SHERIFF. LET'S GO!
WE SHOULDN'T GO IN THERE.
YOU SNEEZE OR EVEN CUT A FART, THIS PLACE WILL COME DOWN.
I'M TOO OLD TO WORRY ABOUT THAT SHIT.
DAMN CITY PECKERS.
LOOK OUT!
CINDY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
HOLD ON THERE, GIRL!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
BET SHE ENTERS THE SILVER MINE.
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO IN THERE?
SHIT.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.
WE'RE NEVER GOING TO FIND HER.
THIS IS AS FAR AS I'M GOING TO GO.
I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT YOU SAY TO MY WIFE, YOU HEAR?
I'M GOING BACK. IF SHE COMES OUT, I'LL GET HER.
NOW, IF THE TWO OF YOU HAD ANY SENSE AT ALL,
YOU'D FOLLOW ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
SHERIFF, GIVE ME THE BIGGER FLASHLIGHT.
WHATEVER.
WELL, WHICH TUNNEL DO YOU WANT, MARTY?
WELL, CAN'T WE GO TOGETHER?
NO, NO. SHE COULD GET BEHIND US. I DON'T WANT THAT.
WELL, SHE COULD BE IN EITHER OF THESE TUNNELS, JACK.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE SEARCHING THEM, MARTY.
I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
JACK!
I DIDN'T APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID ON HORACE JUNIOR.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'M SURE YOU MISS HIM.
YOU HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE, JACK.
I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
AH!
CINDY!
CINDY, STOP!
CINDY!
HEY!
DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT!
CINDY!
SORRY, MARTY.
IT AMAZES ME HOW YOU CAN BE SO SMART YET SO STUPID,
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE.
GET OVER IT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S THREE THINGS I'VE LEARNED AS A P.I.
NEVER TRUST A WOMAN, GET IT ALL ON TAPE
AND ALWAYS BRING BACKUP.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BACKUP.
RIGHT. LET'S GO.
GOOD WORK, KID.
WHERE'S JACK?
NOW, YOU JUST SETTLE DOWN THERE, CINDY. SETTLE DOWN.
SHERIFF, WHERE'S JACK?
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE RUMBLE?
THERE WAS A CAVE-IN.
LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARTNER, BUT HE'S A GONER.
SHIT.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?
HE'S MY PARTNER.
IT'S SUICIDE TO GO BACK IN THERE!
JACK! JACK!
YOU JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF, SILKY BUTT.
JACK!
JACK?
MARTY.
JACK!
MARTY...
HOLD ON, JACK.
MARTY...
HOLD ON.
JACK, HOLD ON.
MARTY.
JACK.
JACK...
JACK, ARE YOU OKAY?
DO I LOOK OKAY? DON'T I LOOK JUST GREAT?
OKAY.
UH...
UH, JACK...
UH, JACK, YOU SEEM TO BE TRAPPED NEAR A BIG SNAKE NEST.
YEAH, I KNOW.
JACK, I'M AFRAID OF SNAKES.
LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.
YOU GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU,
MY GHOST WILL HAUNT YOU TILL THE END OF ETERNITY!
UH... OKAY.
GET ME OUT!
OKAY.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!
UGH!
OKAY.
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
I AM!
HURRY UP. HURRY UP!
THAT WAY, JACK! HURRY UP!
THIS WAY! QUICK!
DO IT! QUICK! HURRY UP!
AH.
YOU WANT A MINT?
YEAH.
I WAS PROUD OF MARTY, PROUD TO CALL HIM A DICK.
CINDY WAS ON HER WAY TO THE SLAMMER,
WHERE SHE'LL BE VERY POPULAR.
OUR WORK HERE WAS DONE. MY WORK WAS DONE FOR GOOD.
HELLO, SHERIFF.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
YOU LOVE ME IN HANDCUFFS, DON'T YOU, ALTON?
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. COME ON.
NOW, HERE'S THE ONE THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD SO MANY PEOPLE GO TO SO MUCH TROUBLE
TO GET HOLD OF A WORTHLESS HOLE IN THE GROUND?
YEAH.
NO ONE'S TOLD YOU?
TOLD ME WHAT?
HEY, YOU'RE RICH, LIONEL.
RICH?
YOU'VE GOT A VALUABLE MINERAL ON YOUR PROPERTY CALLED RUTILE.
WHY--
YOU HEAR THAT? I'M RICH.
OH.
ACTUALLY, YOU'RE FILTHY RICH.
YOU HEAR THAT?
I'M RICH!
OH, I'VE BEEN A ROTTEN S.O.B. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I WANT TO SAY ONE THING TO YOU ALL.
YOU ARE WITHOUT DOUBT THE ROTTENEST BUNCH
OF MISCREANT FREAKS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
I'M FINALLY GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS CRUMMY SHIT HOLE OF A TOWN
AND HAVE ME SOME FUN!
'CAUSE I'M RICH! YOU HEAR?
YOU HEAR THAT?
SHIT.
HE'S DOWN!
IS HE BREATHING?
HEY. HEY.
MR. POND MAY BE RICH, BUT HE'S ALSO DEAD.
DAMN, HE SURE IS.
COME ON, FOLKS.
LET'S GET HIM OUT OF THE SUN BEFORE HE STARTS TO DRAW FLIES.
WHO'S GOING TO GET HIS MONEY?
NEXT OF KIN!
WELL, I'M HIS COUSIN.
SO AM I!
HELL, WE'RE ALL HIS COUSINS!
WHILE POND'S CARCASS WAS HAULED AWAY,
MARTY AND I HAULED ASS OUT BACK TO L.A. AND A NEW BEGINNING.
FOR ME, THAT MEANT A ONE-WAY TICKET TO THE FLORIDA KEYS.
FOR MARTY, THE KEYS TO MY OFFICE.
I CAST HIM AS MY REPLACEMENT.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, MARTY,
I FORGIVE YOU FOR TRASHING MY CHERRY CHEVELLE
AND MY TRIPPED UP VAN.
AH, WELL, THAT'S REALLY BIG OF YOU, JACK
IS THAT YOUR UPTIGHT, REPRESSED WAY OF THANKING ME
FOR SAVING YOUR LIFE?
HEY, COME ON. KID, I SAVED YOUR LIFE, TOO, REMEMBER?
WELL, YEAH, BUT I WAS IN A HELL OF A LOT MORE DANGER
WHEN I SAVED YOUR LIFE THAN WHEN YOU SAVED MINE.
OH, SHIT. I WAS IN MORE DANGER.
JACK, YOU GAVE ME A GUN WITH NO BULLETS. THAT'S BULLSHIT.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF.
HURT MYSELF?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
SO THAT'S MY STORY, AND I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU
THAT I'VE BEEN AN ALL-STATE CUSTOMER FOR 37 YEARS.
PLEASE REMIT A CHECK TO REPLACE MY CHEVELLE AND VAN
TO JACK POTTER, CARE OF POTTER'S RODS AND WORMS,
KEY LARGO, FLA, AND DON'T BOTHER CALLING.
THERE IS NO PHONE.